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The Beef Project
One of the local farmers passes away and Junior Singleton inherits from him a prized steer that the men promptly offer to butcher for him. Cast (in order of appearance): , , , , , , , , , , , Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, That's What Friends Are For, Handyman Corner, Red's Sage Advice, Red's Visits with Possum Lodge Members, Adventures With Bill, The Experts DVD: Red Green Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 1 DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: This honestly is one of my favorite episodes of all time, uh, of "The Red Green Show", "The Beef Project". I think most of the classic things I remember about it happen in one of the last scenes, where we come in and say that nobody had the nerve to actually kill the– the cow. Moose Thompson asked it to marry him. Nobody could look into those big brown eyes and then nail it with a sledgehammer. And then the other thing about, uh... After that, I can't eat beef anymore; we're having hot dogs. To me, that doesn't get any better, but that– that's really one of my problems. Transcript Intro {Red is seen fishing on a pier early in the morning.} RED GREEN: One of the differences between men and women is that men feel they have to dominate things. It's not enough to enjoy nature or a job or even a conversation. Man has to dominate! I think that's why we eat so much meat. I mean, there's domination for you: man against animal; who's gonna eat who. Most men think "vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. Title sequence {The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to a charred-looking Red holding two burned cords. Smoke is forming in the background.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's show. Harold tells me all... {Cut to Ranger Gord standing outside his fire watchtower. He smiles, then lets out a sob.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...the big shows do this. Y'know, shows like "Laugh-In" or "Carol Burnett". {Cut to Winston holding up a card advertising his business card.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I know Perkins does this kinda thing. {Cut to Ben trying to honk a bicycle horn.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} I should also mention that we got special guests here, Dave Thomas... {Cut to Edgar shouting something.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Graham Greene. {Cut to Bill ecstatically jumping up and down on a trampoline.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's gonna jump up and down till he hurts himself. Plot Segment 1 {The camera pans through the Lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.} HAROLD GREEN: And now, here's the man whose career has done for plaid what music videos did for lingerie, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green! {Red enters, waving to everyone.} RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Thank you, and here's the man who has done for my TV career what pigs have done airplanes, {gestures toward Harold} my nephew, Harold. {Harold plays his switcher. A stuffed bear flies around the screen for a few seconds and Harold pretends to shoot at it.} RED GREEN: Got some bad news up at the Lodge this week. Grouchy Radcliffe has passed away. HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} Oh, no! Oh, I didn't know that! Grouchy's what? I didn't know! Oh, we should do something. We should send flowers or something. No, a card! A card! We should send a card. A sympathy card, yeah! I saw a lovely one the other day. And it had a squished worm on the pavement, you know? And when you open it up, the message inside said... {voice wavering} "Sorry to hear that you hit the road." {wipes his eyes} Isn't that lovely? We could send that! We could send that! We should do something like that! If we did something like that, we should do that. That'd be– What should we do? RED GREEN: Why don't you try two-minute silence? 'Bout a hundred times. {to audience} It's not that his passing was that unexpected. Grouchy's got to be the oldest farmer in the whole area. HAROLD GREEN: He was light. He was a very colorful character. RED GREEN: Especially his language. No, I think he was a lot friendlier than he seemed. He'd stand there on his fence, yelling out obscenities, throwing bricks at people... HAROLD GREEN: Well, he can be grouchy! You know, that's how he got his name, Grouchy! RED GREEN: He was, uh, he was difficult. HAROLD GREEN: Cranky. RED GREEN: Hard to get along with. HAROLD GREEN: Obnoxious. RED GREEN: He was insane. HAROLD GREEN: I hated him! RED GREEN: Everyone did, Harold. {back to audience} And the strange thing is that, when Grouchy died, he was very, very rich. And now there's no friends and no relatives to get the inheritance. HAROLD GREEN: I didn't really hate him. I think "admire" is a better word. RED GREEN: {shaking his head} Forget it, Harold. The only guy who has a chance is Junior Singleton. He went out there every day, made friends with Grouchy, did all the chores and everything. I think he's gonna be pretty smart now; he's gonna inherit the whole darn thing. HAROLD GREEN: I admire Junior. {Red tosses his head, annoyed} He's great. RED GREEN: You are pathetic, Harold. When I go, you're not getting what I got. HAROLD GREEN: Well, when you go, I'll have everything I want! {Harold laughs as he plays his switcher.} Segue: Ranger Gord {Ranger Gord is standing outside his tower.} RANGER GORD: Hi, you're watching The Red Green Show. {suddenly chokes up and sobs} You're lucky! Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by hitting a rusty hook with a spoon.} RED GREEN: :Oh, there's a hole in my tent, :And the water's drippin' in. :It's fallin' on my hat, :And drippin' on my chin. :Always remember camping lesson number one: :If you got bugs in your tent, don't shoot 'em with a gun! That's What Friends Are For {Red and Dalton run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.} RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, you're sittin' at the kitchen table, stirring your coffee, minding your own business. Suddenly, you look up – she's staring right at you! DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, you realize your wife's been talking to you and you haven't been paying attention? RED GREEN: {nods} And here's the camphor: she just said, "Well, what do you think?" DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's got the corner. You can't say you weren't listening. You can't say something like, "Oh, geez, I don't know, dear, why don't you decide?" I mean, that's a lame excuse. She'll know you weren't listening, right? RED GREEN: And she's gonna get mad. DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, yeah. The best thing to do in a situation like this: don't look at her. RED GREEN: No. Once she sees that blank look in your eyes and sees you breathing through your mouth, you're a dead duck. DALTON HUMPRHEY: Now, the best defense is a good offense. Change the subject right then and there. RED GREEN: Want to know a great subject? Her! {smiles} Tell her how great she looks. Say, uh, "How long has it been since I've told you how much you've appreciated every little thing you do?" DALTON HUMPHREY: Or– Or just say, "When was the last time we were out together on a nice evening?" RED GREEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Be careful of that one, that should only be used by a professional. DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. The most important thing is to, while you've got her distracted, is to get out of the room fast before she remembers what she was talking about. RED GREEN: Hopefully, she wasn't paying attention. DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, like you. {They run back up the stairs.} Handyman Corner {Red enters his workshop, wheeling in a wheelbarrow full of various car parts.} RED GREEN: I think you're gonna notice a little sensitivity in this week's Handyman Corner, 'cause with Grouchy Radcliffe passing away and not having any relatives to celebrate or anything, the bunch of us has kicked in various car parts and assorted flotsam and jetsam. We're gonna make Grouchy some kind of a headstone or a mausoleum or something, so that every time we go by the cemetery, we'll be reinforced with the comforting thought that he really is dead. {Red picks up two car axle stands from the barrow.} RED GREEN: Now, everything means something with this thing. Uh, for example, these car axle stands, what they will say to us is that, every once in a while, it's a good idea for a man to spend a winter up on blocks. {Red tosses the axles aside and picks up from the barrow the grill of a radiator.} RED GREEN: Radiator? That means it's okay to blow off a little steam. {Red tosses the grill aside and picks two hubcaps from the barrow.} RED GREEN: Wheel discs? {pauses} Well, they're mainly decorative. {Red puts the hubcaps back in the barrow and goes over to acetylene tanks.} RED GREEN: Now we're about to cross the line between being an artisan and being a handyman. {picks up two torches from the tanks} 'Cause I'll tell ya, this project requires as much taste and artistic ability... {proceeds to try and light the torches} ...as it does a big hammer and the attitude to make it effective. And the thing with art is, there's no right way and no wrong way! {As Red continues to try and light the torches, suddenly, the tanks explode, singeing Red and destroying the torch hoses.} RED GREEN: All right, maybe there still is a wrong way. {Red takes off his hat, inside which it's smoking, as is his hair. Red coughs. Wipe to a later scene. Red is putting some duct tape on his new headstone, made out of all the items in the barrow.} RED GREEN: I decided to go instead with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. And don't worry about the damage from that acetylene torch. It was a rental. So now what we have is not only an attractive art deco headstone, it's also extremely functional. For example, I installed the turn signals to hook them up to some of the Christmas lights there. {shows off Christmas lights on headstone} And so now the deceased can signal his turn right... {flips lever on stone up; all the Christmas lights on the right side of the stone flash} ...or left... {flips lever down; Christmas on left side flash} ...up or down, you know? But with Grouchy, I think what I'll do is, uh... {flips lever all the way up; all lights on stone flash} ...put the four-way flashers on; keep his options open. Actually, where he's going, he's gonna wish I put in air conditioning. {turns on fan on stone; shows fuzzy dice hanging off stone} Maybe the lucky dice'll make all the difference. {takes out cigarette lighter; bends down by a piece of dashboard in front of stone} You know, when somebody famous dies, like a president or Elvis or something, they always have the eternal flame. So what I've done is I've taken the gas tank out of Grouchy's car and we'll just fire that up. {lights up small opening on dashboard with lighter} Boy, that smells bad. There we go! There's your flame. The eternal part will depend on his gas mileage. {climbs back up; shows ashtray on headstone} And I've also put an ashtray in here just in case Grouchy gets himself cremated. {points to gas nozzle on stone} And I've hooked up the windshield washers down through this gas nozzle. It goes into here and so on... {points to plant on floor below stone} ...and go down and water that plant, because I figured Grouchy's not gonna get a lot of flowers in his personality. Let's see how that looks. {turns on washer; water runs down stone into a pan near plant} There we go. Boy, that brings on a lot of memories for me, how 'bout you? {bends back down by dashboard} Anyway, there's the kind of thing that you can do the next some distant, far-away distant relative of yours passes away. Until then, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Honk if you love inheritances! {honks horn on steering wheel on dashboard twice} Commercial bumper {Ben holds up a car horn during a game show.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Speaking of honking, stay tuned for Dave Thomas. {Cut to a dazed Bill emerging from an old shack with smoke billowing out of it.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} And we'll check out and see how Bill's doing in the smokehouse. Red's Sage Advice RED GREEN: I want to talk to all you older guys. I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm one of you. And every week, more and more of us are coming out of the tool room and admitting it. Admitting that we have nothing to say, to anyone, about anything. I know that feeling. Your wife probably understands. You've said it all to her before. You're still with her. You have nothing to add. That's all right. Unfortunately, there are some guys who have nothing to say, but keep talking. If you find yourself ranting about how people are parking their cars on your street, you have nothing to say, stop talking. If you find yourself going on and on about how Jeopardy! is way better than Wheel of Fortune, or how hard these new orange juice cans are to open, or the high price of hammers, you have nothing to say! If you find yourself telling a hilarious story that you read in Reader's Digest, stop talking! No one is listening to you. The person you're talking to has glazed over and is nodding their head, while they make up a grocery list, or plan their winter vacation, or vow never to get as old and boring as you are! So don't just keep talking until you think of something. You may not! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Segue: Winston Rothschild WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here for Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, reminding you... {he holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number is displayed} "Don't get hosed somewhere else!" Call 1-800-555-SUCK! Plot Segment 2 {Red walks into the Lodge.} RED GREEN: Well, we had the reading of Grouchy Radcliffe's will. Junior Singleton was real excited, 'cause the lawyer had told him specifically to get down there. I'll tell ya, Junior had dollar signs dancin' in his head. HAROLD GREEN: Something tells me those dollars didn't dance into his wallet? RED GREEN: Well, being of sound mind and body, Grouchy bequeathed his farm and all his properties and all his investments and his domestic and international bank accounts to the harmonious church of Marth under the (?) of the right Reverend Larry. HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Oh, man! RED GREEN: He did remember also, Harold... {back to audience} Grouchy left his entire manure pile to Possum Lodge. So we don't come out of it empty-handed. We are the heirs of manure! HAROLD GREEN: Have you ever smelled the air of manure? So did Junior inherit anything for all his efforts? RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yes sir, Grouchy left him his prized steer, Wanda the wonder cow. {to audience} And I think Junior was pleased. He had an acceptance speech, which he yelled for some reason. And during that, he vowed to make that cow a tribute to Grouchy by having it butchered and eaten before the sun set on Radcliffe's grave. Game Show Part 1 {Red, Harold and Dougie and Ben Franklin are in a makeshift game show studio in the Lodge, with Harold as emcee and the others as contestants.} HAROLD GREEN: Let's see our contestants! Contestants starting on the far end is my uncle, Red, and, of course, Dougie Franklin and his brother, Ben Franklin. Welcome to the show, one and all! {The audience applauds, while Ben softly applauds, Dougie nods and Red waves.} HAROLD GREEN: {reading from some cue cards in his hand} Today's categories are "Atomic Physics", "The Life of Monet, the Impressionist Artist", "Differential Equations", "Post-Feminist Poetry"– Haw! I picked that one. – "Palindromes" or "Cars". RED GREEN: Well, that "Post-Feminist Poetry" sounds tempting... but I think I'll go with the "Cars", Harold. HAROLD GREEN: All righty, then. Okay, remember, please, to phrase your answer in the form of an answer. Okay. {reads from a cue card} Question one: "What driver's safety device was made mandatory in all passenger vehicles in 1962?" {Ben tries to honk a horn he has with him, but it doesn't work. Dougie walks around, laughing silently.} HAROLD GREEN: Anyone at all! {Ben raises his hand} Oh, Ben! Yes, Ben! {reads from card again} What mandatory driver's safety device was made mandatory because it was mandatory– they insisted upon it in 1962? BEN FRANKLIN: {reading from a white card he has with him} He opened a new road to landscape painting by a (?) scientific principle deduced from the laws of life? HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} No! DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Could you repeat the question, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: May I? DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Yes. HAROLD GREEN: {reading from card} "What driver's safety device was made mandatory in all passenger vehicles {getting softer, almost inaudible} in 1962?" {Dougie rings a bell he has with him} Yes, Dougie? DOUGIE FRANKLIN: I would have to say it'd be a fire-retardant, asbestos-lined fire suit. HAROLD GREEN: {pauses; looks at card} No! {Red squeezes a whoopee cushion he has with him. It makes a weak flatulence sound.} HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red? RED GREEN: A really big car? HAROLD GREEN: No! The seat belt! Seat belts were made mandatory in 1962. Okay. DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Never thought of that. Visit With Ranger Gord {Red walks up to the fire watchtower. Gord is sitting at the base of it, reading a book, next to a stack of books.} RED GREEN: Time for another visit with our pal, Ranger Gord. {Gord sees Red and excitedly gets to his feet and goes over to him.} RANGER GORD: Hi, Red! Hi, Harold! RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. RANGER GORD: Nice to see you up here at the fire tower. Always nice to see young people up at the fire tower. I've been waiting for you. RED GREEN: Well, we can't stay long, Gord, we just came for the book you said you'd lend me. RANGER GORD: Oh, right! {goes over to stack of books; picks one out and hands it to Red} There you go, "From Steer To Steak", the do-it-yourself, how-to-slaughter book. RED GREEN: {reaching out to take book} Great, that's terrific, thanks. RANGER GORD: {snatching book back} You want a coffee? Uh, I knew you were coming. I made a pot. Uh, it'll only take about 15 minutes to run up to the top and get you a cup! {runs toward tower stairs} RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, no! {Gord stops} Gord, no, no, no! {waving Gord to come back} Come on back! No, no, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! {Gord returns} I'm not gonna interrupt you for that one. I see that you're in the middle of researching something important here. RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah, I'm looking for a pet, Red. RED GREEN: Oh, boy, you're gonna try again, are ya, Gord? RANGER GORD: Oh, sure, yeah, there must be a pet for me out there somewhere. RED GREEN: Seems like every dog you get runs away on ya. RANGER GORD: Yeah. Last one stayed two days. RED GREEN: Well, that's good. RANGER GORD: Then the tranquilizer wore off. RED GREEN: Boy! What about cats? You ever tried cats? RANGER GORD: Yeah, four of 'em. Yeah, last one I was sure wouldn't go far, it was blind, but... RED GREEN: You know what you need, Gord? You need an animal that doesn't move, like maybe coral or moss or something. RANGER GORD: {pauses} No, no, I need an animal with a sense of duty, one that'll stay with me up in the fire tower, just looking out over the forest for years on end, never questioning why, just knowing that it's his... role in life. RED GREEN: Boy, animals that dumb are pretty much extinct. {takes Gord's slaughter book} Thanks, Gord. {leaves} Game Show Part 2 {The game resumes.} HAROLD GREEN: All right, this is still anybody's game, because no one said anything even close to right yet. All righty... {reads from cue card} "In some states and provinces, it is still illegal to do what at a red light?" {Ben tries, but can't, to honk his horn} I'm assuming Ben? BEN FRANKLIN: {reading from cheat sheet} "The most popular of the series are the Haystack, the Popular, the Swiss, the (?) Path, and the–" DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {interrupting; annoyed} What the heck are you doing? Look, what do you got, what do you got there? C'mon, lemme see, cough it up, cough it up. {takes cheat sheets and shows them off} Monet? Monet? Look at that! Monet! We're doin'– We're doin' "Cars", okay? {looks at sheets} And what are these, your cheat sheets? Y'know, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life! You've humiliated me, you've let down the entire family here tonight! Now look, let's try this once again. {to Harold} Harold? Ask him the question again. {back to Ben} And you play the game by the rules. HAROLD GREEN: Okay, Ben. "In some states and provinces, it is still illegal to do what at a red light?" DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {honking Ben's horn successfully; loudly} Peel rubber! HAROLD GREEN: No. No, sorry, Ben. DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {to Ben} Oh, you idiot! You are an idiot! HAROLD GREEN: Okay, we need a tie breaker, so pick a number between one and ten. Dougie? DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {pauses} Seven. HAROLD GREEN: Ben? BEN FRANKLIN: I'll go with seven, too. HAROLD GREEN: Probably may be a while. All righty, Uncle Red, please pick a number. RED GREEN: Your salary, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: {ecstatic} We have a winner! Oh, yeah, that's a winner! Oh, yeah, okay! Adventures With Bill Commercial bumper {Red is wearing an apron and a helmet and holding a saw.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. You won't wanna miss what we got planned for the cow. {Cut to a shot of Edgar talking.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or our special guest, Graham Greene! Plot Segment 3 {Red walks into the Lodge wearing an apron, a helmet and a welding mask, and holding a jigsaw. Harold is eating an apple.} RED GREEN: Well, as soon as Junior gets here with Wanda the wonder cow, we'll be up to our rump roasts in steak. HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh, now I feel like K.D. Lang! RED GREEN: Harold, you look like K.D. Lang. {to audience} Anyway, Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his '69 Cadillac. He's got twice as much leg room there, which is good, 'cause the cow has twice as much leg. HAROLD GREEN: Stinky's putting a farm animal in the back of his Cadillac?! What about the smell? RED GREEN: The cow didn't seem to mind. {to audience} So all the guys are bringing different power tools over depending on what kind of meat we're cutting. {holds up jigsaw} I'm using this baby for the delmonicos. We've got a skill saw for the ribs. And we're using a rotor on the filet mignons. HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh! Oh, I don't even wanna hear about the hamburger! RED GREEN: Buster's bringing a rototiller. HAROLD GREEN: I heard! I heard! Oh! Now I know why people become vegetarians! RED GREEN: Harold, the cow is not an animal in the wild. It's– It's like a crop. {points to Harold's apple} It's like that apple, all right? This is harvest time, that's all. HAROLD GREEN: There is no comparison! I mean, I have to murder this apple first before I eat it. RED GREEN: No, with the steaks, we're doing the humane thing and killing the cow first. {points to Harold's apple} You're eatin' that apple alive! {Harold gets a sickly expression and pulls the apple away from him, whimpering.} The Experts Visit With Winston Rothschild Harold's Announcements {Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a notepad.} HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's an invitation here from Ranger Gord! It's from Ranger Gord. We all know who Ranger Gord is, right? He's been up in that tree watching for fires for the past 16 years over Possum Lake. And, oh, and he's having a pajama party! So, uh... {reading notepad} "I'm having a pajama party. Bring your ABBA albums." Plot Segment 4 {Red enters the Lodge, feeling depressed.} RED GREEN: Harold, if the people of this community ever find out what we did in that parking lot to that cow, I will never be able to hold my head up high again. HAROLD GREEN: {shocked} You actually did it, Uncle Red? You did the whole Texas Chainsaw Massacre thing to that poor little defenseless milk-maker? RED GREEN: ...We chickened out, Harold, every last one of us. {to audience} There wasn't one guy who could look into those big brown eyes and then nail her with a sledgehammer. HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Oh, excellent! RED GREEN: Guys were sobbing, they got misty-eyed. At one point, Moose Thompson asked the cow to marry him! This is a dark day for the image of Possum Lodge. HAROLD GREEN: Well, I, for one, am very proud of you, Uncle Red. RED GREEN: Don't make it worse, Harold. {to audience} I don't know how many vegetarians there are in this country, but I bet most of them work in slaughterhouses. You know, eatin' meat is like havin' kids. The less you know about it, the more likely you are to go ahead. HAROLD GREEN: Well, I hope you apologize to Wanda, you know, 'cause that cow's had a very stressful day. RED GREEN: Oh, you can tell that by the back seat of Stinky's Cadillac. {The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.} Fun Facts Explanations *The phrase flotsam and jetsam describes discarded odds and ends or any objects found floating or washed ashore. Trivia *This episode marks the first appearances of Dalton Humphrey, Winston Rothschild, Ben Franklin and Edgar K.B. Montrose. Real-World References *During the title sequence, Red mentions Laugh-In and The Carol Burnett Show. *''Jeopardy!'' and Wheel of Fortune are both famous television game shows that were both created by Merv Griffin. *The invitation to Gord's pajama party includes a note to bring over the invitee's ABBA albums. Famous People *During Handyman Corner, Red mentions Elvis. *When Red talks about butchering the cow, Harold says he feels like (and Red tells him he looks like) K.D. Lang. *Monet, one of the categories in the game show, refers to Claude Monet, a French Impressionist painter.